A First Timers Guide to Pooping in the Outdoors

“It is customary to carry the LHO flag and dance around in celebration upon cross this most sacred milestone.”

It isn’t always possible to use the designated toilet areas especially when nature calls at the most inconvenient moment. It may not happen on your first trip, but the longer you spend outdoors, the more likely your chances of having to squat behind a bush to let out the beans you knew you shouldn’t have eaten. So we thought we’d share a couple of mistakes that first timers seem to find themselves making in the hopes that we can save you the awkward “walk of stain”.

1- THERE MIGHT BE A TRAIL COMING UP THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT BUSH
It seems pretty obvious but when you choose a spot, make sure it doesn’t just cover you from one side. Sometimes there are trails that meet or split and you may find yourself becoming the highlight of someone’s Kilimanjaro experience and not in a good way.

2- POINT DOWN THE MOUNTAIN
It seems intuitive enough when you read it, but this is probably the most common mistake. It’s one of those darkly humorous moments when you realize that these things can roll and if your feet are on the lower side of the deposit you just made, well, you get the idea.

3- CHECK FOR WIND
The wind, like the angle, are two things to consider when taking the squat. If it has the potential to pick up, make sure that you find a spot that shields you from it well. The worst thing in the world is realizing how aerodynamic a turd has the potential to be.

4- DROP THE PANTS, AND ALL THE LAYERS, ALL THE WAY TO THE ANKLE
You are far more likely to compensate for loss of balance when all your restricting layers are in one place. If you’re stuck at the ankle with your first layer, the knees with your base layer and somewhere in-between with you fleece pants you’ll be doing a dance that you’d prefer not to find yourself proficient in.

“You MUST be at least 20 meters away from ANY tent. Yes my dear outdoor enthusiasts. If, having walked 20 meters away from your own tent, you find yourself facing mine, you must turn at an alternative angle and walk in that direction.”

5- COVER IT UP WHENEVER POSSIBLE
If you found this spot convenient, chances are someone else will or has in the past. It’s always best to cover up your business with mud or rocks just to be courteous both to the environment and your fellow climbers. That includes the biodegradable toilet paper.

6- NO WET WIPES
Wet wipes are not biodegradable and are jam-packed with chemicals. It’s bad enough we’ve left a proverbial bombshell. Lets not leave an environmental one as well. Save them for camps and designated areas where they can be disposed of safely.

7- WHEN CAMPING WITHOUT A DESIGNATED TOILET
You MUST be at least 20 meters away from ANY tent. Yes my dear outdoor enthusiasts. If, having walked 20 meters away from your own tent, you find yourself facing mine, you must turn at an alternative angle and walk in that direction. You will not, under any circumstance, determine that this is a convenient spot to do your business. Altitude, fatigue or any other excuse under the sun or moon will simply not do. This one is spoken from experience.

8- DOING YOUR BUSINESS IN NATURE SHOULD BE THE EXCEPTION AND NOT THE RULE
It is very important for the preservation of the environment that we use designated toilet areas. Our poop does potentially disturb the local ecosystem in ways that we don’t fully understand. Lets keep it clean both for ourselves and for the many animals and plants that we share our experiences with.

Do you agree with our list? What advice would you give to the first time bush dweller? We’d love to hear from you in the comments below or drop us an email on [email protected].