Highs and Lows at the Top of the World: My Journey on Kilimanjaro with Bipolar Disorder

Most people wouldn’t know unless I’ve told them, but I’ve been living with bipolar disorder for most of my life. My treatment includes carefully regimented medicine and overall healthy lifestyle choices for a shot at a stable life. This never stopped me from signing up to adventure trips but I made sure I stayed away from the bigger challenges out there.

That was until last year when I decided it was time for the Kilimanjaro. Along with my friends Johanna, and Walid we locked our places for February 2023. Almost immediately, Kilimanjaro threw the first challenge in our way when we learned that Walid couldn’t make it. He is the pillar of his family, and his father has been ill for sometime. The illness flared up and Walid had to drop out.

I spent 2 months training in Faraya, a ski resort in Lebanon close to where I currently reside. My training included a daily 2 hour snow mountain climb at 3000 meters altitude at dawn. Such was my determination to make this adventure possible and give myself an honest shot at reaching the roof of Africa.

I also longed for a digital detox week, away from everything to reflect and process my thoughts and emotions. I wanted to consider where I was in life and where I’d want to be in the future. What do I want to achieve this year? What really matters? Who cares for me genuinely and am I making sure to reciprocate that care? I believed I could find some of these answers on this adventure. That was my primary motivation.

The Climb

Fast forward to February 2023 and there I was. We’d finally reached Kilimanjaro’s Machame gate.
The first couple of days were lovely with a 10 km daily walk with amazing scenery of the African jungle, comfortable altitude, fresh weather, nice people from all nationalities and a genuine show of collective respect to Mount Kilimanjaro, the highest mountain in Africa.

As the days passed, we gradually gained altitude and we were now on the summit day which required careful rituals to maximize the chances of reaching the top. We were asked to eat and sleep at noon. We were woken up in the afternoon to eat and go back to sleep again for our final summit wake up call at midnight.

Summit night is an overnight climb of 6 KM with 1300 M ascent and reaching an altitude of 5895 M. The temperatures are typically well below 0 and on our night it reached as low as -15 degrees celsius. Heavy carbs and sugar intake is required at high altitude because if you burn 2000 calories at sea level as an adult female, you are likely to burn 6000 up there. For someone with the bipolar disorder, my medication’s side effects meant I had more to consider beyond just eating and sleeping. Taking my medication at noon and then having to wake up and eat in the afternoon wouldn’t work as they’d induce a long deep sleep.
So I stayed awake till 5h00 PM , ate, then took the meds and slept till 11h00PM, the wake up call for our summit push.

My Meds Almost Ended My Climb

What was I thinking? Taking the meds and expecting their side effect to cease in 6 hours!

By 11h00 PM the meds effect was still heavy on my body. I was still half asleep and sedated. I usually sleep for 8 hours, so their effect must take 8 hours to wear off. My biological clock was completely thrown off! What was I thinking? Taking the meds and expecting their side effect to cease in 6 hours!
They give me life but they were about to steal away my dream and I was so close.

As we climbed I could barely walk and was looking helplessly at the team as they advanced on their way to the top. I couldn’t see their faces. Only the lights of the headlamps, and these lights started to fade away further and further up the mountain… I was left with Hazem who was our LHO team leader for this expedition. I was lucky because he likes to lead from the back.

Hazem: “Romy are you ok?  Do you want to go back and rest?”
Romy: “Hazem. I need to rest for 15 minutes. Just here.”
Hazem: “We can’t rest for 15 min here Romy, we will be left way behind the rest of the team.”
Romy: “I just need to wait till the meds I took leave my body. It won’t take long I promise. Please don’t give up on me.”
Hazem: ’”Walk, don’t rest. They will leave faster as blood runs in your body.”

What was I to do? I was too heavy to move yet to desperate to stay where I was.
I found myself calling to my inner strength in the form of my father. “Please Pap, I really need your strength now.”

It was in that moment that I recall I had caffeine pills!! I opened my backpack, grabbed 2, swallowed them, focused and said a little prayer. Moments later I found my strength coming back to me and we were on our way to catch the team in no time because – as Johanna said to me – it’s all about the voices in your head. What do you tell yourself. I told myself that the caffeine pills will be quick to work and that nothing could stand between me and dancing on the roof of Africa!

Pushing to the Top

My heart skipped a beat. I panicked and called out to Asseno…

We caught up with everyone in no time and I kept pushing until my pace went back to what it usually is.
As we advanced up the mountain the team split again. Each group moved at its own pace that allowed us all to maintain a good heart rate and good breathing as the oxygen became scarce minute after minute.
LHOers Khaled, Roaa, our lead guide Asseno and team leader Hazem were on my team. I was anxious of the time it was taking to reach Stella point, which is the last stop before the summit. I approached a lady behind me and asked her what time is it was ?  She replied 3h00 AM. About 3 hours to reach Stella’s point!

But that was impossible. We’d been walking for more than 5 hours now! My heart skipped a beat. I panicked and called out to Asseno asking him what time is was and how long to reach Stella point. Asseno replied that it was in fact 5H20 AM and that we were 1 hour from Stella point!

What a relief. Knowing that gave me a much needed boost. As we approached Stella point,  the first light of dawn appeared on the horizon and the hope of reaching the summit within an hour made everything suddenly feel very real.

Death on The Mountain

The bipolar low after the high episode had started. God only knows how intensely I would feel every second of it.

At one point on my left, I notice a man was lying down. He looked pale and tired. He also looked cold. “Why doesn’t he stand up and shake the snow away?” I thought to myself. As I asked myself these questions a rescue team arrived with a stretcher to carry the man and cover his body and face with aluminum foil. He was dead. That’s why.

The realization of death hit me hard. My head started to feel numb. My body heavy. My face swollen and hot. My heartbeat had blown out of proportion and I couldn’t breathe. The fear of altitude sickness and the risk of dying began to grip me. I crashed. It was as if the caffeine instantly left my body. The bipolar low after the high episode had started. God only knows how intensely I would feel every second of it. Every breath, every heartbeat, every thought, every hope. The hope that I will still reach the top. It was fading again and I was so close!

Fighting The Darkness

The look on my face was of one that was about to give up.

I said to myself – “Romy, get out of darkness. Speak with the voices. Be strong.” But no. The voices in my head wanted to stay in the dark and they were asking: ‘’Is death common here? Why weren’t we told? Could you be next Romy?”

Romy: “Asseno, the man, he is dead. Why?”
Asseno: “He had a heart attack.”
Romy: “I can’t breathe and my heart is beating too fast . Can I also have a heart attack? I don’t want to die Asseno.”
Asseno: “You will not die Romy. You are in good hands.”

He gently explained that altitude sickness is lethal under 2 forms, Brain Edema and Lung Edema .
In brain edema the brain gets swollen. The person feels dizzy, sleepy, won’t be able to count from 1 to 10 and acts in strange ways. For instance, a climber once slapped Asseno (You don’t want to slap Asseno . He is the king of the mountain. Most respected Kilimanjaro guide. A 2 meter tall warrior with an old soul of wisdom). In lung edema, the lungs get filled with water. The person cannot breathe and starts coughing heavily. The water in the lungs can potential flood the system causing a fatal choke.

Luckily, I was nowhere near the danger zone and Asseno contained my fear by saying he had oxygen in his bag in case of emergency. I gathered myself safe in the knowledge that I was in good hands. It was time to reach Stella point and so I did. Then I stopped and looked down. Down to where life with no struggle is. Do I want to choose life or do I want to continue to the summit? I suppose this is the question we all face at some point. To choose to suffer or choose comfort. The look on my face was of one that was about to give up whereas my team mate Khaled was looking for the owner of the pair of poles next to him.

Khaled: “Who leaves his poles just like that on the way to the summit!?!??
To which I replied: “The dead man Khaled.”

Choosing To Summit

The Adrenaline rush must have carried me there because my body had checked out.

Hazem: “This is not your summit Romy! Come on! You can do it! We are here for you.”
Asseno: “Do you want to give up on your dream Khaled??”
Khaled: “No !! This is my dream! I came here for this! I want to do it !”
Romy: “Fine, let’s move.”

I can’t recall how I reached the summit. The Adrenaline rush must have carried me there because my body had checked out. People were being carried down as we took our pictures in a glance. A bittersweet memory of the adventure of a lifetime. The idea of the descent was a relief and I looked forward to resting and getting more Oxygen.

Romy: “Asseno, I need to rest before we move.”
Asseno: “No Romy, here you cannot rest.”
Romy: “Why ??? Only 5 min please.”
Asseno: “If you rest here you will freeze.”

For a second, I was almost fine with resting here and freezing to death, but then I looked at Asseno. He was strong, contained and grounded. I thought: “I can’t allow him to see me that way.” So I gathered all my strength and resolved to keep moving. Life never gave me the opportunity to be weak so to me this is not an option. ‘’You stay strong Romy. Strong for yourself, for your family and for your friends ‘’ I’ve embraced that all my life and I embraced it in this moment too.

We were on the move again. My body was so weak that each satiated breath required 6 breaths, each word 8 breaths, and each big step 12 breaths. I stopped talking. Started only nudging and doing gestures and I only took baby steps as I remembered Hazem’s words: “Conserve your energy. You will need it on summit night.”

The journey back was long and painful but then I finally made it to my tent feeling relieved and accomplished. I laid back and finally closed my eyes.

It’s over. I did it. Amen.

Why do this at all?

Why do I do this at all? Because, when all my insecurities show up to haunt me, I remember that I am still worth something. I’m worth all these achievements and more. Nothing and no one can dispute that. And because when I am at my low. When all I wish for is to be alone and to die, I make it a point to close my eyes and relive these moments and these achievements. They carry me back up and out of that dark place. They bring me back to life.

Romy

From The LHO Team

*Romy has been trekking and climbing with LHO since 2019. We are incredibly proud of her achievements and believe fully in her mission. Tap here to follow Romy and get in touch for questions about mental health and adventure.

*Kilimanjaro only witnesses between 2 to 3 fatalities per year. The LHO team were unlucky to have witnessed one of them. Climbing Kilimanjaro is generally safe when supported by professional, experienced and measured expeditions who place safety above summit records. Such is the ethos of LHO.